Criminal Activity

I was pulled over last night.  For the first time in over ten years.  I’ve been pulled over for some pretty ridiculous things, once for fighting with my then boyfriend so loud I couldn’t hear the police officer behind me tell me to slow down, once twice in the same day for having expired tags.  I had the updated tags with me in the car, I was just too lazy to wash the spot and stick those suckers on there.  My dad still tops the pulled over twice in one day story though (for not wearing his seatbelt).  Once I was pulled over for not completing a left hand turn from the turn lane and pulling back into regular traffic.  The cop that got me came out of a donut shop.  I’m just saying.

There’ve been plenty of times when I should’ve been pulled over also.  I’ve broken a few laws behind the wheel and while I’m not proud of it, I can mention it now because it was so long ago.  Back when I was young and reckless.  Now I’m not quite so young, a mother and currently pregnant.  Today for me a big deal is crossing a couple lanes on the freeway, especially if I don’t have my blinker on (which I only do if there aren’t any cars behind me). 

Anyway, tangent!  This time takes the cake.  I had a long day at work and at 7 months pregnant, was not in the mood for any bs.  I wanted to get home and quick and all I saw in front of me on the freeway were brake lights.  I exited and took a different route home to keep things interesting.  Sitting at a green light waiting to turn left, I wondered why no one was passing me from behind.  And then it was like a moment of synchronicity – three things happened simultaneously.  In the space it took me to wonder why no one was passing me, I prepared to complete my turn and just happened to notice there was a police officer two cars behind me.  As I put two and two together, in the middle of making my turn, I saw the sign over the traffic light – NO TURNING BETWEEN 5 – 7 PM.  I quickly checked my clock - it was 6:52 pm.  And then I heard the siren. 

He walked up and asked if I knew why he’d pulled me over and that’s when it happened.  One tear rolled down from underneath my sunglasses.  Then another.  And another one.  Before I knew it, they were free falling and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them.  I was mortified!  I am not a big crier, never have been, and to be completely unable to stop crying in the middle of having to act like an adult and talk to a police officer was one of the most embarrassing things ever.  To add to it, I had just paid off my car (YAY!) and so didn’t have an updated registration card to hand him.  He took pity on me and went back to the cruiser.  I desperately tried to control myself and stop crying. 

At this point I had been sitting in the car over an hour and my back was hurting so I asked his partner for permission to stand on the sidewalk (I don’t mess around with men that have guns) and PO #1 came back. He kindly requested me to calm down (picture a big fat 7 month pregnant woman unable to stop a gentle flow of tears standing on the sidewalk) and made small talk for a minute before informing me my license had expired.  WHAT!  My jaw dropped and the tears immediately started flowing again much to my dismay.  No, I was not aware of that Officer, again much to my dismay.  That’s what I get for forgetting to update my address with the dmv.  My license had expired almost three full months earlier and I’d had no idea.  So he cited me (!) for running the left turn against the sign and having an expired license and told me not to take it too hard.  They’d impounded the last guys car. 

And those are my tax dollars hard at work.  I love the police.  I really do.  I appreciate how they put their lives on the line every day for me and people I love.  But really, this quota business has got to stop.  No I don’t have proof that they have to meet a traffic ticket quota but if you’re a police officer working in LA and you can’t give a pregnant gal a break every now and again with all of the seriously hard criminals and thugs out there, that’s just wrong.  Go cite a bad guy, I’m just trying to get home to see my family after a long day of work.  Hey, at least my tags were up to date.

Another step on the road

I just finished reading this amazing blog by this woman who has twice as many kids as me and a farm to manage (!) and I can’t help but feel envious. She makes it look so effortless while I struggle to think of things to do for a half hour with my two year old. I work full time, am 7 months pregnant and suffer from a lack of creativity (thanks for that qualification, therapist before last). I was born in the year of the snake and completely feel those qualities define me – lanquid, quick to strike, etc. I used to want to be fetching (yes, fetching) but I can do that (when I’m not 7 months pregnant looking like a basketball is about to fall out from under my shirt perhaps but still). But now, I want to be smart. I want to be successful. I want to feel fulfilled! As corny as I feel writing that, I have no greater wish.


But I am not a pioneer woman, or even a very good multi-tasker. I like to start projects only to move on to other ones. I’m better at starting than finishing. I have a friend whose wife is a lawyer. They have two kids and one has cystic fibrosis. I have a feeling it would take everything I have just to cope with that and deal with the tremendous, daily heartache and passionate bittersweet love that would invoke. This lovely lady organized an annual charity event to raise funds for research. She’s a freaking lawyer so you know she’s smart and she has her stuff together so well, on top of her daily grind, she successfully organized a charity event that’s now in its third year. I don’t know why that irks me so but it plays perfectly into my tendency to tear myself apart. The typical questions come rolling over me: why couldn’t I do something like that, what should I be doing differently, what the hell is wrong with me?


I never have answers to these questions except to turn them off and distract myself. They are not serious questions, they might’ve been at one point in my life, maybe when I first started asking them. But over the years, remaining unanswered, I’ve finally accepted that they are pointless. There are no answers that can satisfy them and so I believe they are from a part of my head that is not very healthy and I ignore them. I know that they stem from my miserably low self-esteem, although how it ever got that way is a real mystery to me.  Sometimes I choose to dwell in them but those days usually end up sour and unproductive. Instead, I have to force myself to get out of myself and move right on along. Write something, go to work, talk to someone, read a different blog, change my perspective. I know I am not the loser my head sometimes tries to tell me I am. And one of these days I will find a way to prove it to myself. That’s the essence of this blog, my blog, essentially. To figure things out I’ve been unsuccessful at understanding so far. Maybe you can help?

Everybody deserves a cheerleader at some point.



I keep delaying on adding to this blog for various reasons. One of them is that my words frequently seem to come out wrong and I’m extremely uncomfortable with the idea that I might be misunderstood. It’s ridiculous to think everyone will see my point of view or think I am right but I still want this to happen. Growing up there were a few key phrases I heard repeatedly – “think before you speak” – was one of the mainstays. “Buck up” was another treasure that I’m sure I’ll get to at some point.


Whether it’s because I’ve said something I didn’t mean or meant something I shouldn’t have said, I’ve been trained to be hyper aware of what comes out of my mouth. If only it were that simple. If only I had an internal watchdog that could shut my mouth for me when something hurtful was about to fly out but alas, I have precious little impulse control. Or the opposite occurs and I just clam up and don’t say a word at all. I’m sure many people have wondered if I’m able to speak in coherent sentences. I’d rather just not deal with it than have to apologize or over-analyze whether or not I’ve just unintentionally offended someone. Again.


The other day, my boss, who was supposed to be taking the day off, kept emailing me requests and action items and I finally wrote back reminding her she took the day off and to stop working. She deferred citing the usual – demanding clients and after expressing sympathy, I felt she needed a boost and so complimented her on her stellar customer services skills. After I sent the email, I felt a warm brown gooey substance descend on my nose and a pit form in my belly and when she wrote back again, I answered her question and ended with “everybody deserves a cheerleader now and again”. I meant it but it also helped me regain some dignity. I’m an excellent manipulator but a terrible kiss-ass.

Why can't fruit taste like yummy, gooey chocolate chip cookies?

Shattering the ice

Procrastination - to put off intentionally and habitually, to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.

The act of self-sabotage is one I'm quite familiar with, also of rationalization and justification.  I can't write a blog entry at work because they can track everything that enters that computer and what if somebody read it (ha, ha - isn't that the literal point???) and I certainly can't write at home with a toddler running around.  How can anyone think in that environment, much less come up with a coherent thought process? Never mind that my husband has found a way that works for him, or that I might be able to do it if I got my butt out of bed early enough.  Never mind the possibility that I might dare to have a dream and then take it even a step further to not just work towards that dream but see it come to fruition.  Why should I be happy and fulfilled?  It's so much easier to be bitter and resentful!

Well, self-sabotage be damned.  I am tired of being bitter and unhappy and watching how it affects my daughter and my marriage and my lack of friends.  Baby steps, all I need to take are baby steps because god knows anything I set my mind to do will only result in more procrastination and explosive doubts and insecurities.

Ha!  Nice to meetcha!